Happy New Year

Well its that time of year again....

I've never been a big New Year's person. All the New Years resolutions, finding that special someone on New Year's Eve, kissing them when the ball drops. Never, really been one of the places a lot of my energy has gone, for good or bad, that's how it is.

However, I often take this time of year to think about the past year and think about the future. I don't really believe in resolutions- I was never good at keeping them, and all it does is allow me to beat myself up for not keeping a "promise" I've made to myself- instead I'm currently subscribing to "everything in moderation"... a quote I've seen recently goes something like.. "failing is not in the falling down, but in not getting back up... "

Another quote that's been crossing my mind a lot over the past week as I've pondered the last year and the future, is one I first heard on TV show, and then one of my sorority sisters used it in her greeting during pledging... and it is my holiday wish for me, my family and for all of you... it goes something like this...

"May the worst day of the rest of your life be better than the best day of your life so far."

Vacation Fun

So although today wasn't the greatest of days outside we did spend sometime in the snow, making trails in the back yard and sledding...

The Verdict...

Well... I'm not sure that Tinkerbell and purple won out over iPod the name. It was sort of passed over. The big hit was a HUGE Ariel hut which takes up most of my living room and is now perched in Sunshine's room so she can sleep in it tonight.


She is however now listening to the mP3 player which took way too long to set up.. I kept saying to myself- I should have spent the money for an iPod... but it was a life lesson.. I will try to remember not to stress about a present in the future... and just do my best to get for Sunshine what I can afford that I think she will like and when at all possible is what she has asked for... she didn't ask for the hut.. but she loves it.


But most of all... this year, I was very cognizant of enjoying the company I was with.. the time with my family and the spirit of the holiday, finding the joy in each moment and not getting too caught up in the chaos.

I Survived...

As Christmas Day comes to a close, I am pleased to announce that I have survived my first Christmas without Sunshine. I followed advice my Mother had given me- she too had spent several Christmases alone after my parents divorced- one of the first ones my Dad took me to Florida for a week, I still remember coming home to my Mom's and seeing a whole new bedding set that I had been asking for.

I slept in, took the dog for a VERY long walk- it was a fantastic day here with lots of sun, went to Mom's for a lovely brunch and some mother-daughter bonding time.

Got an email from from a friend out of town and a call from another friend just to say hi, Merry Christmas and we're thinking of you. Which was perfect- as I told one of them, I see they got my silent message about needing to hear from good people in my life today (I'm not always good at asking for what I need or want, especially when I need or want it most).

I watched a couple of movies, cleaned my house some, made myself a lovely dinner and am now preparing for Christmas tomorrow. There were sad moments, but I have survived!

Its funny the very first weekend Sunshine was with her Dad, I thought I'm never going to get through this- I was terrified- I painted 3 rooms in my house to keep myself busy- but I did get through it, and each subsequent one I've gotten through, even when she's with him for a full week. As a friend says, it gets easier, never easy, but easier. Just think how prepared I'll be for her to go to college...

Gifts

Sunshine has asked for an iPod for Christmas. When I say asked, I mean, multiple times a day for several weeks. I had a hard time with this- I don't even have an iPod. I have an mP3 player- its just as good as an iPod, but cost $100 less. And, I think she's pretty young to have such a small expensive gift, just seems like it could so easily be lost.

So, I did a lot of research and found these things called Disney Mix Sticks, fairly inexpensive AND they come in purple with Tinkerbell on them. Really, what more could a girl want from life? But every time Sunshine says.. I really want an iPod, my stomach does a little flip flop- she's asked for one thing and I didn't actually get it, I got a variation on a theme. What am I going to do if she's completely devastated on Christmas? I keep telling myself she won't be... after all its purple with Tinkerbell!

And then the even larger looming question... does the mP3 player arrive from Santa or from Mom?

Perhaps I'm over thinking this whole thing? This will be the first year that Sunshine is not with me on Christmas Day, and I'm a bit stressed about making sure the traditions and the holiday are still special even though they won't happen for us on THE 25th.

Wish me luck... may purple and Tinkerbell persevere over a name brand.

Beer and Daisies

Along time ago when I was a sorority girl during a pretty tense discussion one of my very wise sisters said.. you know Sorority isn't all wine and roses, its beer and daisies.

I thought about this comment recently. I spend a lot of time focusing on finding the roses... and I miss the wonderful daisies that are right in front of or beside me. What does that cryptic comment mean? It means that I sometimes don't notice the wonderful people in my life, the colorful daisies that I've met in my life, or the daisies I've planted myself because I can get focused on something I think is better. What I forget is that Gerber Daisies are my favorite flower and I'm not really a big fan of roses!

So, I'm going to focus a bit more on the daisies I've met and cultivated and spend a lot less time looking for roses.

So, this beer and daisies girl toasts all the wonderful daisies in my life!

Birthday

Today was (I guess still is) my birthday. It was a great day. But, to be honest, last night I was really struggling with the thought of this birthday. Mind you, I love my birthday, its about me!

Last night I kept wondering if anyone would remember my birthday, would the people who I really wanted to remember, remember? What if they didn't? Would I be devastated? I went so far as to email a few friends who tend to be forgetful and remind them that today was the day to say Happy Birthday!

This may come as a shock- but I'm not really comfortable being the center of attention unless I have control over the situation. But today I smiled happily when I was called out of my office to my coworkers around a balloon that sang and some very yummy brownies and again when I was called from my office to the 3rd floor around a corner to a crowd of more coworkers with a cake for me. It was nice to feel comfortable in that situation.

And you know what, someone who I really wanted to remember my birthday didn't. And I was okay with it, because other people did. Somewhere along my journey today I realized three things... I've become more graceful- not like a ballet dancer- I'm just more comfortable in my own skin and more confident. I realized that I've spent a lot of time in my life expecting people to know what I want without me telling them... and that does nothing but set me up for disappointment, its unrealistic to expect people to read my mind. And finally, that I need to be more appreciative of the good people and things in my life and not dwell on the disappointments- some good friends remembered my birthday and called or emailed or stopped by- those are the people I need to focus on in my life- not the one person I wanted so much to remember my day and didn't... and so Happy Birthday to me... its good to be born!

The Holidays

Yesterday was filled with lots of holiday preparation.

The biggest event was getting and decorating our tree. We chose a "medium" size tree- but I have to tell you, after seeing it in our house- I'd call this a large tree. We had a great time putting on the decoration and because the tree is so tall, Sunshine actually got on my shoulders to decorate the top, it was nice to work together to make that happen.



After tree putting up and decorating and some shopping, I attended a Christmas Yankee swap, the balloon in this video was a gift at the party 4 years ago, it gets taken out and flown each year- its always an adventure to see where it will end up.

And in case anyone was wondering- this is how much snow we have already... from our first snow of the year, another one is expected tonight. This is way too early for this much snow... sigh...

Heartbreak

As I've progressed through the process of divorce and getting my life back on course I have had to work through a lot of fears. One has and continues to be associated with having my heart broken. Its true, each time your heart is broken it hurts a bit more- but is it really worth avoiding that pain to not feel the joy of love? There are days I can answer yes to avoiding the pain entirely and days I say emphatically, its worth the pain to experience love.

The thing I hadn't really been cognizant of is that heart break is associated with all type of love, not just romantic love. And why, you ask, such a dark topic in this holiday season? Just that it hit me today as I got very sad while talking to a friend. I have a few people in my life who are on the precipice of major life changes that will impact them greatly and for various reasons my heart will break for them.

My Aunt just heard that her mother has cancer and 4-6 months to live. I am sad in so many ways about this, the impending loss of a member of my extended family and for the heart ache my aunt and uncle will face during these next few months and for the complete powerlessness I feel.

I have a friend who is starting the divorce process, I know that it is the right thing for everyone involved, but I also know that they all have a long road ahead of them and my heart breaks knowing the tough times ahead for everyone involved.

And I have 2 friends who are moving further away from me. That sounds tremendously selfish of me and it probably is. I am happy for them, they are moving to start a new adventure and that's tremendous... but I feel left, not forgotten, but left and I will miss them terribly.

About 4 years ago a coworker left to work in another company 20 minutes away at the most- I cried for the first 3 days he was gone on my way to work. We still are in contact fairly regularly, but there is something about good byes that are always very sad for me, even when I know there is a really good reason for the good bye...

So perhaps my sadness today is to let me know that heartbreak happens on all levels, it sucks, but its part of life and maybe I shouldn't be quite so afraid of it.. its going to happen no matter what I do...

My First 5k

I said earlier that I had started running. Today I ran my first 5k. If you had asked me 6 months ago if I could ever run for 3.1 miles I probably would have laughed in your general direction- but some how I got the bug and have set mini goals for myself.

Today was awesome because a bunch of us from my work ran.


I also had a friend run with me- which was good motivation, although I've run the course a couple of times- I've never actually run with other people- so that was a new experience and we went out WAY too hard- but we were able to recover and finish strong.



A coworker ran with his son, and it made me think about how cool it will be to run with Sunshine when she's a bit older, to do an event with her-
-either way- she was there at the end to greet me which was a prize in itself!