Ten

Dear Sunshine-

Every year I am more and more surprised by how old you are. It is cliche' but it really and truly seems like only a week ago that I brought you home in your little John Lennon outfit, and as exhausted and sore as I was, I just sat and stared at you in your little bassinet.

In the last 12 months you have grown in ways that are awesome to watch. One big one is that you grew 2 inches in about 6 weeks, you were very excited about that. Now when I look at you, you appear to be made up of about 75% legs.

You started to play basketball. And in my humble opinion have a nature talent for it, you are smart and can see the other players on the court and know where to go, or where to pass. At first you were very scared about getting hit by the basketball, (who wouldn't be?) after all it hurts, but as the season progressed you became more assured and more aggressive.


That last sentence definitely fits you to a T, you like to test the waters before you dive in head first, and then once you realize you like it you dive in with full gusto.

You continue with Tae Kwon Do, you just got your second red stripe on your purple belt. You even competed in some tournaments this year in Kata, and this last tournament in weapons. You are enjoying learning Bo Staff and look rather menacing with it when you are practicing! And love to show me how to spin it!


Just last week you got your flute. You have talked non-stop about getting your flute since March or so. You are so excited about learning to play it, and I am excited for you.

You have started to ride your bike when I run, and your excitement when we go faster than the last time is infectious. Your supporting me helps me to say- get off your duff and go run and take Sunshine with you.

You played Tinkerbell in a theater production last Spring and you were a hit. Little kids would come up to you after the show and ask for your autograph. It was great fun to watch your character progress over the rehearsals and through the run of the show, you my dear, developed quite a little attitude toward Wendy when she and Peter were together!


You are this amazing combination of girly girl and tom boy. You love to wear sparkles and high heels and put a little makeup on, but you run around with the boys, and go on ziplines, and trampolines and play flag football with them, and even spar against them in Tae Kwon Do.


Your heart continues to make my heart sing. Your patience for people who are different or need a little extra love is something I can't put into words. Somehow you just know that this person could use a friend or just needs someone to be there with them. And it comes naturally to you, you do it, I suspect, without even thinking about it.

I'm not gonna lie, life isn't always beer and daisies. You and I are both strong and independent and similar in many ways, so there can be some rough days when the two of us are at each other's throats. But they pass and we curl up on the couch and watch some TV or play some Wii together and the world is right again.

We did some fun things together this year, we went to your first ever concert- Taylor Swift at Gillette Stadium. Your birthday party was at Monkey C Monkey Do where we went climbing on ropes and ziplines. We went to North Carolina for a Spring vacation and did lots of hiking in parks here in Maine.

You are starting to know yourself a little better. You get nervous before somethings especially when you are going to be judged. You said to me the other day, I want to cut back on that a bit because I get really nervous and can't think during school the day before. Pretty smart little 10 year old.

My wishes for you over this next year, are that you continue to know yourself and continue to build even more self confidence and know how truly amazing and awesome you are, that you learn this at your age, instead of at my age. That you become just a bit more self motivating. That you continue to find things you love to do, you try new foods and activities and fill your life with things that make you happy!


These last 10 years have been pretty amazing, I can only imagine what the next 10 will hold for us! Thanks for being born Sunshine!

13 Months

I'm pretty sure the screaming matches about brushing and flossing and no gum were all worth it..

What do you think?

Death, Anger and the End of the World

Sunshine asked me about the end of the World the other day. She was pretty upset about what that meant. With all the 2012 talk and the Terminator Date and the billboards about the end of the world, I understand where she is coming from.

Heck, I've got a few more years on me than she does and I wonder about such things. I am at least at the point in my life where I am wise enough to realize that no matter how controlling I am.. controlling the end of the World is out of the range of controllable things for me.

I sat and talked with a friend who is very spiritual, and when I asked her what she thought about the end of the world, she turned the question on me. And I paused, and I said.

What I know is that people are angry. The anger is palpable most every place I go. People are angry at the government or their neighbor or that guy in front of them at the grocery store. And to me it seems like that much anger has to lead to something. End of the world? I don't know.. big change, probably.

I remember a time when the only emotion I was really good at feeling was anger. Every emotion translated into anger- fear, sadness, madness, even the positive emotions like love, happiness and contentment. Anger is easy, really in the grand scheme of things anger can be very powerful, you can hide behind it, put your head down and avoid contact, avoid rejection, avoid love.

I look around me, close to me, and I see these amazing, young souls passing on, so quickly with little or no warning. I wonder, do they know something I don't? Are they getting out while the getting is still good? Or is it just one of those times when there happens to be a lot of death around me?

What ever the reason, I don't care for it, I don't care for the death, the sadness, the unanswered questions, the anger that boils just below the surface.

What I do care for, and what I am trying to embrace, and hoping will spread just as quickly as the anger has, is the love I am being reminded to share, the closeness it is encouraging me to forge with people in my life, the new adventures I am taking because I am being reminded so often how precious life really is...

So spread the love, let the anger go, I mean really, if the world is going to end, wouldn't you rather be dancing naked through the streets than angrily fighting?

Purple!

Recently Sunshine earned her purple belt. I was of course a nervous wreck during the test, pretty sure I didn't breathe for about 30 minutes!


Sunshine ebbs and flows with her desire to continue with Tae Kwon Do, luckily she usually ebbs in the middle of a session, and my rule is she has to complete anything she is signed up for, but doesn't have to sign up again after that session if she doesn't want to. So by belt test she is usually ready to sign up for the next session, and earning her purple belt was a huge milestone.

I am so proud of her. And if you haven't heard, about a year ago, I started taking Tae Kwon Do too.. I am now a green belt with two blue stripes.. it has been A LOT of fun to do this together and look forward to the day we are both black belts!

Basketball

Inspired by my friend over at ikehamill.com, I thought I would try to be more consistent about writing here.

I'm not really sure how it happened, isn't that always how the stories start? Like that whole proctologist bit from Seinfeld- it was a one and a million chance doc..

It was a one and a million chance... I ended up coaching basketball.

See the thing with Sunshine is that she does really well in smaller group situations. I remember when we took her to her first soccer practice when she was in kindergarten.. you'd have thought we hung her by her finger nails over a pit of crocodiles. Just too many kids running around.

Last summer at camp she started to play basketball and really liked it, other than gymnastics when she was younger and Tae Kwon Do now, this was the first sport she had ever show more than a passing interest in, so when the rec league sign ups opened I signed her up.

The emails kept coming, we need coaches, we need coaches.. well, I thought.. go big or go home right? Just call me coach!

I'm glad I did it, it wasn't anywhere near as difficult as a visit to a proctologist might be, I learned a lot and she had blast. It was a lot of fun to watch the girls get better, to learn new skills and to see their smiles when they made a basket or stole a ball.



Unfortunately, I can't say working with all of the parents was quite so much fun.. I'm trying really hard to leave that behind but one of their behaviors in particular was so childlike that it makes me not want to go near basketball again.

Sadly, because of her, helping next year may be as difficult as it was the first time I had to kill a spider with out screaming... the things you do for your kids!!

Bottom line, she doesn't know me all that well, I don't give up that easily.. so see ya next year!

NINE

Today you turn 9. Nine! Nine does not even seem possible. That means you have been a part of my life for one quarter of it. And yet, it is hard for me to remember my adult life without you in it.

You are an amazing human being. You are so smart, I see your brain working all the time, and when you are really concentrating you stick your tongue out, maybe it gives you more surface area to do all that thinking.

You are very athletic, you pick sports up quickly and you are good at them. You get discouraged, but you are learning that if you practice at something you will get even better at it.

You are shy. Very shy when you are in new situations and you do much better when you are the first person in a room and others come to you. Again I see this changing and you are becoming more comfortable and confident in new situations.

You are becoming more adventurous, taking more calculated risks and trusting yourself more and I am thoroughly enjoying watching you take those risks and try new things- even food!

You have the most amazing heart. Your entire life, you have always been the person to go up to the new person in the classroom and introduce yourself and start playing with them. You have friends with disabilities and friends who are different in some way from your other friends. I’ve never asked you if you notice the differences, if I were to guess, I would say you don’t.

You have a great imagination, you act out whole scenes with your Polly Pockets or in your doll house, you tell stories and continue them for weeks and weeks, always picking back up exactly where you left off in the ‘game’.

You are stubborn just like me, and I hope I am helping you to learn how to channel that stubbornness into stick-to-itiveness so that you don’t struggle with it as much as I did.

There are times that I hold my breath and watch you make mistakes and learn lessons and each time I see you get hurt my heart aches because I want nothing more than to take that hurt away. And I know I can’t do that, that we all become who we are because of the trials, tribulations, successes and failures we encounter. My heart and mind still aren’t really on the same page with that one- but we’re working on it.

There are days when I feel like the world is caving in around me and I just want to sit down and cry, and then I come to pick you up, and still, you still at 9 come running to me and jump up into my arms and in that moment my world is righted and I find the strength and the courage to continue to fight the good fight. I promise to continue to catch you in my arms as long as you continue to run and jump into them- no matter how old either one of us is.

So today on your ninth birthday I wish you a wonderful day, a year filled with amazing new adventures and achievements and tell you that I look forward to sharing each and every one of them with you. I love you, Sunshine.

To Farm?

This week I had the opportunity to join Sunshine's class for a day while they spent the week at a local farm learning about all aspects of farming.

It was a great day for several reason. The least of which it was an amazing weather day.

For a long time I've thought it would be amazing to earn my livlihood through outdoor physical labor like working a on a farm. I have a friend who has a small farm and I sometimes help do a few chores around there, there is something cleansing about it for me.

Our first chore on the farm was to muck out the sheep stalls, there are some ewes who are very ready to have their lambs and needed a nice clean place to be with them once they are born. On a side note watching the ewes waddle to get their food I remember when I had that waddle when I was over due and just wanted to not be so uncomfortable anymore.



We then spent some time studying soils, working with compost and putting soil on the newly planted flower beds.


We got to plant potatoes, which I've never done but seeing how much I love potatoes, I think I'd like to plant some at my house, even if it was in a raise bed.

Sunshine's group was responsible all week for a set of laying chicks who were getting transported from their 'incubator' to a coop, so we got to move them and watch them get acclimated to all their new space.



It was one of those days I will remember forever... being outside, with Sunshine and working, coming home tired from the physical labor and the clean air and full of life and happiness and empty of all the cares in the world for at least a few minutes.

Who knows maybe someday, the right opportunity will come along and I'll be working on a farm, or maybe what makes it such a great fantasy is that that is what it is, a fantasy that doesn't ever need to be a full time reality, just one I can get my fix on every now and again.