shame.

Let me preface this by saying, there will be adult words, and it has taken me a couple of weeks to write this because the first version would have been nothing but adult words, so give me some credit for that.

A few weeks ago an article ran on several of the major 'news' sites on the interwebs about a study done that shaming obese people doesn't work to help them lose weight. First, really? And I mean really on so very many levels.
* Has shaming ever worked to help people?
* Who, who would pay for such a study?
* Who would suggest doing such a study?
* and, really? No shit!

I can't actually bring myself to share the link to the article, but if you search the interwebs- you will find it, very quickly.

I have some very judgement responses to my questions above, and maybe I'm wrong, but I'd bet chances of that are slim.

Who wold suggest doing such a study? Someone who not once in their life has struggled with their weight, has no idea what it feels like to be fat or overweight, and is probably very attractive in general.

Who would pay for such a study? Someone very stupid who wants to waste their money? Or someone who I am willing to bet fits the same categories as the person who suggested the study. Or someone who has way too much money on their hands and could use it to do something way more important like I don't need feed the hungry!

For those of you who don't know me in the past 7 years I have lost 88 pounds. And up until about a year ago, I would say I have been fat my entire life. I no longer fit that category, so I am, what you might say, an expert in the whole being fat/obese arena.

I also know that I have lost a lot of opportunities because of my weight, at work, romantically, friendships, or just activities I was afraid to take part in.


Allow me a few side track of what that article/study made me think about:

My office, like many today, offers an annual screening of height weight, blood pressure, sugar levels and a couple other basic health stats, it is free, so I take advantage of it every year. For the past couple of years it has been the same company, so they have the previous year's records. This year, the woman looked at my report, the amount of weight I'd continued to lose, the drop in my bad cholesterol and the rise in my good cholesterol and said. 'So what are we going to do about you losing some weight?' I can only imagine what my face looked like. But I said, 'I'm sorry did you see how much I've already lost?' She said 'yes- but you need to lose more, you need some help with that.' I said, 'I'm done here thank you for your time', and proceeded to get up and leave.

I watch the Biggest Loser. Both Sunshine and I enjoy it. But I often sit back and wonder what I would do if Jillian yelled at me like she is so apt to do? Would I walk off the show? They don't always show all the previous contests, but there are certainly times when they do that the contestants have gained back a portion (sometimes a significant portion) of their weight. There is no golden rule here, there is however, a certain percentage of overweight people who have very low self -esteem, you think yelling at them helps with that?

About 8 months ago I added another exercise element to my journey, building in weight training and different cardio, for me it has helped improve the other aspects of my activity strengthening my core and my body in general, I am usually less sore after long runs than I used to be. I signed up with a trainer where I do online workouts, and can email him etc. I watched an exchange on facebook between my trainer and another discussing how a client said "I'll try" and the trainer didn't like this. He wanted the client to say I can. I don't know the other trainer, but I went to high school with my trainer, so I know he has always been fit, and a natural athlete, so I get it.. 'I can' is a natural part of his vocabulary. But what I also get is sometimes the hardest thing ever for someone who is overweight is to say "I'll try" instead of I can't. That, that is a huge leap forward. Start with 'I'll try', 'I can' will follow.

I have written several times, and shared with Sunshine, that one of my greatest fears for her is that she would be a fat child. Just saying those words makes my heart flinch a little. Making fun of fat people is, as far as I can tell, still quite acceptable. And just last week, a woman at work getting ready to go on vacation walked by my desk and said- "The fat lady has sung". I was in that moment transported back to my Junior year in High School- folks that was a couple of decades ago- when on a bus, several boys tried to get me to sing 'LA'. I found out later, their reason- so they could say the fat lady had sung. Decades later folks, and I can still feel that aloneness and ache I felt when I found out what my 'friends' were up to.

So back to the study by who the heck knows. I can't help but feel real sorry for the people who took part in the study. Will some one pay to get them therapy? What awful things were they told as part of their shaming? Do they believe the words that were used against them? Can I take the researchers and shame them about something in their life?

I have watched several of the videos that have been and currently are circulating aimed at the LGBT community, specifically LBGT teens and young adults telling them that things get better and it will be okay. They are so very powerful and profound and I hope that people hear those words. What I want to tell you is that it never gets easier being overweight. Adults will still make fun of you, even if they don't make fun of your sexual preference or your skin color or that you have the wrong Jordache purse. Take for example the recent articles on Melissa McCarthy's weight.. pretty dang successful and amazingly funny women, but people still feel it is acceptable to write about her weight.

Everyone has to make their own weight loss journey, for their own reasons,with their own motivation. Doesn't mean there aren't cheerleaders along the journey- those are so very important. But the people who shame you or belittle you, you don't need them- throw them by the way side. And, if you aren't ready to take your weight loss journey now, it is okay, as I have learned with age- timing is everything.

advice.

Recently I've seen several really well written advice blogs floating around the interwebs. You know things like, what you need to tell your daughter, or son, or what I wished I'd learned earlier in life, what I would tell my 20 something self. So, as you can imagine it got me thinking, cause well, I can over-think my way out of a paper back.

Sunshine, have I given you all the advice I should of? And I thought about what advice my parents had given me. I am sure there was a lot, but the one that sticks with is "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." Grandma used to tell me that all the time.

Now, let me tell you, that was the worst piece of advice I could ever have been given. Grandma meant well, and now I get the point, but as a kid, I took it too literally. If I am nice to people, they will be nice to me. I'm here Sunshine, to tell you that is not true. There are mean people in the world, people with agendas and ulterior motives, people who do not have a clue how to be nice or how to be a friend. And no matter how wonderfully you treat them, they will rarely ever treat you that way back. So that one little line, with all the good intentions it holds, set me up for some major disappointments in life.

I hope that in your life you have seen how I carry myself and behave and that is the best advice, I can give you. There are things I have learned in the last 7 years of changing my life that I certainly wished I'd learned decades ago, but perhaps that wasn't meant to happen.

As I look at you moving into 7th grade and remember how remarkably terribly I was treated in middle school and most especially high school, I feel like a squirrel preparing for Winter, what other 'things' do I need to show Sunshine, tell her, how can I prepare her for what were, for me the worst years of my life filled with such unhappiness and torment that I would do anything to wrap you in a cocoon and keep you safe in my house until you are say 22. I know realistically that can't happen.

So, if I haven't shown you these things by my actions, I'm going to tell you them here.

1. As a general rule, girls/women can be super crazy mean to each other. Don't be the mean girl. And don't let the mean girls get to you... see the problem with Grandma's advice was no matter how nice you are to the mean girls, they will always be mean, and you will fight a never ending battle of why aren't they nice to me when I'm nice to them? Don't stoop to their level either. Walk away.

1a. Because girls were so mean, I found myself making friends with boys. This is, both a blessing and a curse. To this day some of my dearest and closest friends are boys. Thing is, it can sometimes be hard to separate the friendship and potential romantic feelings/physical attraction. I'm still advocating for surrounding yourself with good people male or female... just know that friendships with either gender are work- just make sure both of you are working at the friendship- if not, walk away, it's okay. There are no prizes for the number of friends you have.

2. Use your body. (I've seen this on a lot of the aforementioned blogs floating around). It took me almost 35 years to realize this one. Moving and using your body gives you confidence, helps you process your stuff and is just down right good for you.

3. Learn to be a human be-ing. I am still not good at this, but learn to just be. To sit and watch the grass grow or the clouds roll by. I am an example of an amazing human do-ing. Just sitting and be-ing in the moment is just as important if not more important than do-ing.

4.Your heart will be broken. You will make mistakes. You will lose. Own them, feel them. Move on. It's okay to hold them in your heart and be sad and mad. But don't dwell. Despite outward appearances, very few people have the lives and perfect-ness that they want you to believe. We all make mistakes, owning them and admitting to them is so much greater and takes more courage then ignoring they happened. Broken hearts happen. I think, in reality they don't get easier, but you learn to pick yourself up and try again- whether your heart was broken because of a boy or a friend or not making a team or not getting a part in a play. Similarly, you will lose. No one can win all the time- boy would that be amazing. But it isn't reality.

5. Trust yourself. Understand how amazing you are. How smart you are. Trust your gut and your instincts. And don't let anyone make you doubt yourself.

I tell you all this and know that you'll forget some of it, and you'll be the mean girl one day, not on purpose, but you'll be mean to someone and hurt them, and not have meant to. Or you'll let the mean girls get to you. Or you'll forget how awesome you are and will doubt yourself. Here's the thing kiddo.. we all do those things. Most of us have a pretty good idea of how we want to live our lives and who we truly are in our hearts, the world can be a very noisy place and it can be hard to remember. So that's when you look back here, or you remember how I tried to act and live around you, how I treated people and how I owned my mistakes (most of the time).. that's the advice I give you.

3am

I have the joy and pleasure of seeing 3am fairly often, although to be honest, I've been going through a stint where I haven't seen it that much.

I have had this honor for most of my adult life, I don't remember it in college or in high school, but certainly since I have been a Mom.

I had a friend a few years ago who told me I should be happy that I am up at that time of the day, it is one of the most spiritual times in the day, there are monks who wake at that time to pray each day. It is an interesting concept, not sure it makes me enjoy it anymore, but I am more conscious about doing some heavy duty thinking and processing when I wake up at 3am, rather than getting up and doing chores which is what I did for a few years.

The other day we are driving and one of Sunshine's favorite songs on the new P!nk album comes on and I notice for the first time since we've had the album that it mentions 3 am.

"The Truth About Love"= P!nk

The truth about love comes at 3am
You wake up f*&@ed up and you grab a pen
And you say to yourself
I'm gonna figure it out, I'm gonna crack that code
Gonna break it break it down
I'm tired of all these questions 

So I started wondering how many other songs on my ipod mention 3 am.. After compiling this list, I feel like my connection with 3am is in good company. (There may be more, but these are the ones I came up with last night, I will be paying more attention though!)

"3am"- Matchbox Twenty

She says baby
It's 3 am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of something, God it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's raining
And she screams and her voice is straining 

"Home"- Goo Goo Dolls

It's 3 A.M. and I can't sleep without you
I think I've found the perfect words to say
The shattered light transmits my voice
Sometimes we don't have a choice
I'd wake you up from half a world away

And I tried so hard
Tried to be so strong
But you see the crash
My defense is gone 

"Closer to Fine" - Indigo Girls  

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity. 

"Hello City"- Barenaked Ladies
It's three o'clock in the morning,
and I'm hungry so let's eat.
Climb down three flights to the streetlights
and the bar-fights, we're just taking in the sights.
I hope tomorrow that I wake up in my own bed.

"Unusual Kiss"- Melissa Etheridge 

The smell the taste the touch is so brand new
The thrill of the eyes that capture this forbidden view
It's 2:45 and you'll have some explaining to do

It's 3:17 a.m. please let me into your eyes
It's 4:23 and I try to hold on as you rise
I'll give you all that I have if that's what you want me to try

And not quite 3am

"Breathe"- Anna Nalick

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

"Better Man"- Pearl Jam

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

I am sure this will shock few, but a search of the interwebs finds that there are people who make lists of songs that include time and have done this for every hour on the clock. I was rather surprised at how many songs include 3am, some I've heard of, some I haven't.

Oh, and don't judge my taste in music.. it's mine, you have yours, we can happily co-exist. Really.

Fierce.

Sunshine-

Today after I dropped you off at sailing camp (yes, I said sailing camp), I started thinking how amazing you are. I think this often... because you are, but today, I thought she isn't just awesome, she is fierce.

As a parent, I think we all want the best for our children, we want better for you than we had. That's not to say I had it bad, believe me I didn't. You have many more opportunities than I had as a child, partly because of where we live, and partly because of how times have changed.

I think about you working toward your black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I watch you do your Bo form, and sometimes I hold my breath, okay- I almost always hold my breath.. but the confidence you have is breath-taking. I remember a tournament this year when one of your classmates was there- one of your fairly athletic classmates, he watched the first 10 seconds of your form and he just went "wow".. and he stood there and couldn't take his eyes off of you doing it.

And I watch you play lacrosse, you are a natural. One thing for sure, unlike you, I was not born an athlete, I have had to work at it- and I've worked at it for several years now, and finally feel like I can call myself one. You have such amazing body awareness. I was standing next to one of the Dads at one of the games, he had coached the year before and it was a close game and we all were on pins and needles and the ball was loose.. and he very quietly and confidently said about you- don't worry- she'll get it- she always comes up with it! And you did.

And sailing. I have to tell you it is odd as a parent to think you are sending your kid off to the ocean to sail a boat by herself. But you do it and you love it.. I can see your love for it in your eyes when you talk about it.

There are many amazing things about it, and I have only touched on some of your physical achievements- I don't need to remind you how you got high honors all 3 trimesters of your 6th grade year, or how you went to Space Camp with your classmates and adult chaperones who you didn't really know, and roomed with someone that you sort of knew, but not your best friend who was also on the trip.

How you asked your crush to dance at the social. And how you asked your friend's crushes (with their permission) to dance with your friends.

A parent worries.. okay, maybe not all, this parent worries, about all the things parents worry about, the things out of our control- the bad people in the world or the accidents that can happen and I am sure I probably always will worry about those things. But I look at you and I think of who you are becoming and I know why Beyonce calls herself Sasha Fierce... Sunshine, you are fierce, you are a human who will take on the world, a young lady who will become such a strong women that you will knock down walls, whatever they are that get in your way, and I will sit and watch you and I'll worry and be your biggest cheerleader.. but I will know how incredibly fierce you are and how successful you will be.. Sunshine Fierce!

Love-

Mom

Where in, I Continue to Search for Inner Peace.

I had many mixed emotions about going to Alaska. It has always been a dream for me to go there- so much about it appealed to me, the outdoors, the geography, the geomorphology.  I was nervous about being away from my home for so long, I am by nature a home body.

I really couldn't actually believe it was happening. Even after a couple of days in Seattle. I think it finally hit me the first morning I ran on the ships deck.. and this was my view.

There were many things I was looking forward to on the trip, time with Sunshine and my Mom, the outdoors, being away, new adventures. I think a part of me hoped somewhere up there I would find some answers to some of the questions I have bouncing around in my head.

I don't know if I got answers to the questions but I do feel like I came back with a different kind of peace.

I am a New Yorker, I've lived in Maine for almost 2 decades- almost longer than I lived in New York, but I will always identify as a New Yorker. I have the lazy upstate NY accent where I say mi'in rather than mitten. I play mini golf, not putt putt, I know good pizza and good chicken wings and have killed black flies the size of small seagulls with my bare hands. At the same time, Maine and I get along quite nicely. I like the slightly slower pace with an under tone of stick to-it-iveness- you have to here- one never knows what the winters will bring, so you need to be prepared (don't get me wrong NY has winters- with lots of snow- but Maine's winters last for a good 6 weeks longer.- the Tulip Festival in Albany, NY is going on and we still have snow on the ground.)

One of the things I noticed about AK is that same sort of contact with the Earth, slow paced mojo going on, but you know everyone is thinking of the weeks until Winter arrives and what needs to be done to be prepared. But a raw ruggedness- I can think of no other way to say it than that it strikes me as an innate connection with the Earth.

Back in 2009, I wrote this. I think about that post every now and again. I think about finding that inner peace, that savor every moment mentality. Grab life by the horns and hold on. Which reminds me of this quote

 “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
“WOO HOO what a ride!”

So, I don't know if I've found savor every moment inner peace yet. I do think I'm closer than I've ever been. And that feels really awesome, to be getting rid of stuff (people and things) that don't make me feel content and in the moment. I probably will always struggle with this, because, as I recently said- I am a planner by nature.

Epic.

I’ve talked about this before, probably many times. I don’t see myself as a goal setter. In reality, I am. But not the kind of goal setter I think of when people ask are you a goal setter? I don’t have a 5 year or a 10 year plan. I’m a planner. Don’t get me wrong, my friends will attest to my Olympic Gold Medal winning planning abilities. I don’t see that as goal setting. I think of goals, as- I have this many widgets to get through this week (widgets= white papers, reports, actual widgets etc). So how do I chunk that- how do I get through X widgets in a week and meet that goal.

I set goals for races- I want to finish this race faster than the last one, or this course is hillier than the last one, so I only want to be 3 minutes slower. I also think that my propensity to be a planner can, at times, keep me from 'living in the moment' and enjoying it before I move on to the next thing.

Yet, every year I take on the New Years Resolution challenge many of us chose to present ourselves. I learned years ago not to turn this into a- I’m going to exercise every day or I’m giving up chocolate- as a Catholic- I can do the give up thing for Lent- 40 days is one thing.. a whole year.. heck no!

I am also the type of person who can easily fall prey to helping other people achieve their goals. This year, I think, was the first year I realized that I had inadvertently made my goals what someone else’s were. I am one to help out and be a cheer leader- but I realized my goals needed to be my goals, not tag along goals to help someone else. I needed to define my own goals.

Okay, let’s step back a second.. I know that it isn’t December 31^st (although at this moment temperatures in the 30s sounds lovely!), and I’m not looking back on a year of how did I do? It is just past the middle of the year and I am taking an assessment.

So back to the News Years Resolutions.  I came up with 3 tangibles, 3 items that I could check off a list- what they are isn’t really important, what I realized about the goals I had chosen is important… what I realized about those 3 items was that in some way there was something about them that scared me.. they were a stretch for me because they were scary. It was in that moment that I realized my goal for 2013 would be to do as many things as possible outside of my comfort zone.

Somewhere in March, I think it was, I started to feel like this year held epic possibilities for me.. that stretching outside my comfort zone, doing things even when my feet were sweaty and my hands were clammy was laying out epic moments for me.

So to recap 2013 so far...

I ran a race I swore I would never run because it is in the middle of winter in Maine, it is 10 miles and is hilly. And did I say outside, in Maine in February?!?

I ran a 10k course that I have been afraid to run for 3 years because it is trail and it is hilly. I ran this trail race after days of rain, while it torrential down poured. At one point, my shoe got stuck in the mud and only my foot came back up.

I said no. Saying no is hard for me. (See taking on other people's goals above). I can so easily overbook myself with too many 'things' I feel obligated to do out of fear that I will disappoint someone, with little regard for what all the commitments mean to my life and my schedule. I can think of 3 times that I said, no, I can't do that, I don't want to do that. Each time was hard, but the freedom I felt when I was done was enough of a carrot that I will become less and less afraid of saying no.

I ran my first obstacle course race.

I fell in love. I had my heart broken. And for the first time, I didn’t doubt myself, I didn’t doubt my love (or his), I was sad, very sad, but I didn’t think of all the things I must have done wrong to end it. I sat uncomfortably in my sadness for awhile and took a deep breath.

I went on a trip with my daughter and my Mom to a place I have always wanted to visit. I touched water melting from a glacier; I touched ice from a glacier. I remembered in my heart why I loved my chosen major, why I loved geomorphology classes and why I could talk to you for hours about adiabatic heating and cooling.

I stood and looked in the mirror at my naked body, at my stretch marks, and my saggy breasts, at my muscles and at the sexy dents in my shoulders, and I thought how hard I have worked to have this saggy skin that no longer covers fat, to have the muscles that can run miles, and break boards and carry me through my day.

I ran 100 miles in a month. On day 15.. the remaining 50 miles seemed like 1000, and the 2nd to last day was one of the worst runs of my running life... and the last 3 miles were quiet and fast and perfect.

I ran a half marathon in sun that was unrelenting and heat that felt like it was 100 degrees. I ran a half marathon in wind gusts that topped 50 mph.

I ran at sea. I ran 18 miles at sea on a boat, 9 stories above the water. I watched the sunrise over the Alaska mountains while I ran. 

I have some other plans (funny there is that plan vs. goal thing) in store for the next few months. Not sure if I will get to all 3 of my original goals for this year, I am enjoying just being epic in my own moments… Can’t say I will ever learn to not be a planner.. but I think I am slowly learning how to find those moments of epicness and enjoy them.

Here is to being epic-ly awesome.

Forty One and 2012

I started this post right around my 41st birthday. You know the ole look back on the year, what was my 41st year like, what do I want my 42nd year to be like. But I never finished it. I was not in a particularly good place around my birthday- I had just come off a crazy couple of months of working, I was getting sick and completely overwhelmed by all things holiday/birthday/school break coming up and frankly just trying to keep my head above water.


So as a huge non-sequitor:

Winter seemed long and icy to me. Not a lot of snow, never got to use the Cross Country skis I bought. Spring was busy. That's what I remember, being constantly on the go from place to event to place.

I remember a couple of times this summer thinking, what an amazing summer we had. I don't remember thinking that in the past few years. I felt like for the most part it was great. We did some fun things- went rope climbing visited friends at their camps, jumped off of rocks. I think also because the weather was so good, that I got out a lot to exercise- running and swimming and biking. Sunshine started to really enjoy biking along side me while I ran, and I completed 3 triathlons this year. I am realizing as I get older that my mental state is so much better when I exercise regularly.

I love fall. Perhaps it is the New Englander in me? Or the girl who got to grow up in the Adirondacks and appreciate the amazing colors Mother Nature provides. I dislike raking leaves. Really, and truly dislike it. But I've reach the point where I actually pay some teenagers to rake the yard for me. Ahh the joys of being gainfully employed!

2012 wasn't a bad year for me, felt like a year with some really great moments coupled with some really low moments. I guess that is what life is about- the good and the bad.

And, all and all my 41st year was pretty good. I'll give you the run down of the numbers at the end, but I earned my red belt, met the 2 goals I set for myself: 500 running miles and completing an Olympic Distance Triathlon. I met 2 Olympic Gold Medalists- Seth Westcott and got to run with Joan Benoit Samuelson.

But you know, as I composed this in my head, that's how I do much of my writing compose it in my head while I run or do dishes or shovel (like this morning)- I thought, with all that, why don't I feel like a million bucks? When was it that I stopped being happy with my achievements. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy in the moment- but then it is gone- like it is never enough. I wonder if I will ever truly get to that Stuart Smalley place of 'I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me'? Do any of us ever truly get there? Or is that just the facade we put on for the world? Is there ever a time when hurtful words from people don't sting? Or when rejection (a job, a friend, a loved one, a love interest, a suggestion at work) doesn't nick your heart just a little bit?

Seriously, think about that. I ran over 500 miles this year, and did an Olympic Distance Marathon, earned my red belt, successfully managed several projects at work, continued to raise Sunshine to be amazing, watched her do awesome things and take chances and yet I find it so difficult to just say to myself- Wow, do you know how awesome you truly are?

Instead I so easily let the voices in my head say: you could have handled that interaction at work better. Why did Sunshine do that? Where did she learn that? Have I given her all the tools she needs to survive what can be the horrors of middle school? Sure you ran 500 miles- but your pace slowed in the fall, and your swim times in all three Tri were really slow. Oh- you made mac and cheese again tonight for dinner, from a box? Aren't you a great Mom. And the dishes in the sink- that's classy, and using your laundry baskets to store your clean clothes is all the rage these days.

Truly amazing how difficult we can be on ourselves. I'll own that, amazing how difficult I can be on myself.

So, although I'm not big on resolutions- I'm going to say that my 2013 resolution is to be kinder and gentler with myself, and to only surround myself with people who are kind and gentle with me.

Also going to work on 'changing the voices in my head' to quote from a song that I love running to-- when I run with music.



As for physical goals- run a 100 mile month and complete a marathon.

2012 by the numbers:
21 Races Completed including 3 triathlons
10 Karate Tournaments Competed in
13.1 miles swimming
202.2 miles biking

526 miles running
241 1/2 hours moving my body (running, swimming, biking, Tae Kwon Do, or Physicalfix.com kicking my butt)