Let's Go Fly A Kite

I have Mother's Guilt. Seems like I have it in spades these days.

Like most people I am working harder, longer hours and making less money. We all know someone who has been laid off, had their pay cut, their hours cut, vacation cut or some other creative solution employers are putting into place to deal with the economy. Prices are going up for items I need, there is no room in my budget anymore for luxuries.

There is always a portion of my brain devoted to money and work- more so now than ever. I feel guilt that I am only taking one week of vacation with Sunshine this summer, and that any plans we had for visiting people have been put on hold.

I try to offset my guilt by having some new and different activities to do with Sunshine. I have made a point of going through Rachel Ray cookbooks with her and picking out recipes she wants to make and will eat so we can make them together. This weekend we went to the Memorial Day activities in town as well as the Roller Derby and the Demolition Derby. We rented one of her favorite movies that frankly after seeing it as many times as I have-I loathe it. More guilt.

Add into the mix that I still try to carve out time for myself to run- having set a goal of running a 1/2 marathon in the fall. To that end this weekend we experimented with me running and Sunshine biking along side- for the most part this was a successful adventure, there was some annoyance at me that I wasn't running quite as fast as she could bike. And tears ensued- more guilt. But in the end she has said she would go again- so I'll take it.

Today I laid on the lawn- my unmowed lawn because the lawn mower is broken and in the shop, while Sunshine reenacted the parade in our driveway. She then asked that we play some outside games. Completely exhausted and thoroughly enjoying the breeze and the sun, I said lets sit outside and read. Instead she went and got her kite.

As we stood on the railroad tracks away from powerlines to fly the kite I thought of that moment in Mary Poppins at the end when they all go fly a kite, when Jane and Michael's Dad realizes that flying a kite with his family is more important than work.

I know that Sunshine and I flying the kite together was way more important than work as are all the other things I take time to do with Sunshine. Yet I still can not get rid of the guilt for the time I am not with her, when my mind is occupied with me or work or something non-Mom related.

As one more additional reminder to cherish those moments, as we were nearing our time to come in for dinner a butterfly landed near us, clearly it had recently come out of its cocoon and was working to stretch its wings, testing them out.

So, I'm going to take some advice from Mr. Banks and that butterfly and feel less guilty and cherish all those special moments. I know for certain it is not going to be an issue task.

Latest Belt Test

Sunshine had another belt test recently, and once again she was awesome. We had to attend an earlier session because of another commitment, so she was the only person in the class higher than a white belt so she had to do the test by herself and it did not phase her.

I am so very proud of her.

Savor Every Moment

I have a theory, okay, I have lots of theories, but this one in particular has been bouncing around in my brain for a few months.

I recently met a guy, we'll call him Jon, who fell off a cliff while camping. He broke his neck and for about 5 minutes was paralyzed. He got his ability to walk back, but he spent months and months in enormous pain throughout his body and incredible headaches that made him unable to sleep for more than 2 hours at at time. He is, for the most part, fine now, he has a slight limp but you would never know about the ordeal he had unless he told you.

Someone else I have known for a few years, we'll call him Sam, recently shared with me that as a young child he had a tumor removed from his spine. He was in a lot of pain but didn't tell anyone, he didn't want to miss out on the sports season he was involved in at the time, until one day he could barely walk and he had to tell his folks. The tumor, thankfully, was not cancerous, he had it removed and went through a recovery period. And like Jon, if Sam didn't tell you about the incident you would never know.

Sam and Jon are pretty different people except in one respect. I have seen both of them in pretty difficult tense situations and they don't get rattle. They are the epitome of go with the flow kind of people. Both very smart, well spoken people who present themselves well, they just have a presence about them that is hard to nail down.

Until, I found out about their life threatening/altering medical events. And this is where my theory comes in... they get it, deep down they truly understand what it means to savor every moment, to live in the present, to smell the roses, only worry about the important stuff and to take in all the sights, because for a time, how ever brief, they both thought there wouldn't be any more moments to savor. Or at least that is my theory.

So I wonder, truly wonder, if there is a way, without the life threatening moments to get to that place where you can savor every moment, live wholly in the present and not sweat the small stuff.

I don't wish for anyone the life events that either Sam or Jon had, but I do wish for everyone- or at least for me- to find the way to smell the roses and savor every moment and not sweat the small stuff.

Are You Smarter Than a Second Grader?

One of the very cool things that I am able to do is volunteer in Sunshine's classroom once a month. I have been lucky that I have been able to do this since Kindergarten.

I love the opportunity to meet the children, see what is going on in the classroom and stay connected with her. She always gets excited when she knows I am going to be coming into the classroom as well.

This year my time usually lines up with writing or reading. Two things that I have struggled with my whole life. I read slowly, always have, but over time I have gained a love of reading. And not until I was in my late 20s did I start to write well, now I am actually asked to write documentation and other documents.

One thing that I have never been good at is spelling. My Mom says it is because when I was learning to spell I was taught to remember Q like the qua qua the sound a coffee pot makes.. so you can see the confusion is that a C or a Q? I once spelled my name wrong on a standardized test and had to take remedial English as a Freshman in college because my spelling score was so low.

I digress a bit here... it has been interesting reading with Sunshine. Often she will read to me in the car where I can't see the words so she spells the letters for me and I try to come with the right word.. lucky for me.. probably because I am such an awful speller I have learned to figure words out based on context not their spelling.. this I am monumentally good at.

So today while volunteering I was asked to read stories the kids had written and give them feedback or help them out. Things like punctuation and capitalization I got that one covered... but OH BOY when it comes to spelling I may be corrupting an entire second grade class.

I was asked by 2 different children how you spell scared.. like I was scared of the monster. I had to write it down.. scared? scarred? wait which is scared of the monster and which is I was scarred by the surgery?

And on last weeks spelling list moped. I had to email my Mother and say.. moped.. is that I moped around all day because I was sad, or I mopped the floor?

Pretty scary huh?

Best Things...

It has been a long time since I've had much to say... well that isn't exactly true.. I often have lots to say and rarely lack for words- the right ones or the wrong once.

Like many people these days I'm barely breathing, barely keeping my head above water. In every part of my life I am trying to do more with less. I go from thing to thing to thing and don't stop, so to actually have the time to sit and write a few of my many words down just doesn't happen.

One of the things I have noticed during this time of hurry scurry is that people are nicer to each other. Maybe it comes from having to reprioritze and realizing as the bumper sticker I saw the other day said.. "the best things in life aren't things".

Maybe it comes from a common sense of treading water and barely breathing.

Or maybe it is like that natural instinct that you see in animals... somehow they know when you are having a rough day and just need them to sit next to you and let you know they are here.

Whatever the cause is I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and for the people in my life who have taken the time to send kind words and warm fuzzies... those are some of the "best things" in the world.

So Proud

Today Sunshine had her belt test and she earned her Green Belt. She has been working hard and we have been practicing the forms at home.

Words can not express how proud I am of her today- she said she didn't care if she got another stripe or her belt. But she worked hard and she earned it.

One of the best parts for me was at the end when they bow to the teachers and then turn and bow to the parents when they are released she ran full steam at me and jumps into my arms. This is something that she has done since she could walk at day care at the end of the day at camp or what have you. There is no better feeling in the world than that moment when she jumps in my arms and holds on tight.

Human Doing

Someone once said to me that I am a really good human doing and not such a human being. I recently threw that line at someone else... I hadn't thought about it awhile... but it is true... if I have to just sit I can almost feel like a cage animal.

Today the thought of this took up significant noodeling power in my brain.

Am I that way out of necessity?
Is there really so much to do and so little time?
Do I keep busy so that I don't have to confront something?
Is it just who I am?

I don't know the answer, I suspect it is a combination of all 4 of those things to some extent.

There are days like today where I am so tired I could honestly sit on the floor and sob. I look at the pile of laundry that needs to be folded and the dishes that need to be done and the sneakers that sit on the floor looking at me reminding me I did not run this morning or the day before. A child who should be sleeping instead is calling my name every 15 seconds or so telling me that the animals are flying around the room. The same child who was just laughing so hard at a joke she told that you couldn't help but laugh along (which is probably why I am not sitting on the floor sobbing at this very moment). In my mind I know I have bills to pay and a checkbook to balance and the liter box to scoop and.... the list goes on.

Always something to do.... so you can see why I struggle with just being. Heck, I spend a lot of my time just trying to remember to breathe!