Too Young to be a Curmudgeon?

In the grand scheme of things I am really not that old yet. However, I increasingly find myself having the thoughts of a curmudgeon, I'm not sure this bodes well for me as I age.

I think that parents who drop their kids off at a venue and leave them unsupervised should be given shock bracelets. When the children do not use common courtesy by cutting in line, forgetting to say excuse me, or I'm sorry when they run into you, or thank you when you help them- the parents should receive a shock.

A child who is older than 4, I'd like to say 3, but I'm trying to be generous here, who doesn't know to cover their mouth when they cough, should not be allowed out in public. I'm all for giving one or two "whoops I forgot" a day, we all make mistakes- I still struggle to remember to do the vampire cough rather than just my hand, but when there is no attempt what so ever to not projectile germs out into all of society, please do not participate in society.

The third lane on a two lane road that has two arrows pointing toward each other- that is not a travel line for you to pass cars, this is a lane where you go to turn across traffic. Let's get traffic cams on these and give tickets for this too!

When crossing the street, please use crosswalks, you do not jump out into traffic, when I leave my house I am not ready to play Frogger, I was never good at that game, and frankly, do not care to learn.

The signs that say lane ending, merge right or merge left- that means you, the sign doesn't say gun it and see who you can beat, or everyone else is supposed to merge, but you.

See, I'm just too young to be so grumpy about such things.

Holding Your Breath

Sunshine had a belt test this week. I'll get to the outcome in a minute, I want to start with the weeks leading up to the test.

The Tae Kwon Do school that Sunshine attends does a great job of rewarding kids at each belt test (basically at the end of each session). If they are not ready to earn their next belt, they earn a stripe and the instructors tell them what they need to do to earn the next belt. Being that these kids are fairly young it is rare that a kid moves from one belt to the next without a stripe or two or three.

Sunshine had a green belt and 3 blue stripes before the belt test. I go to almost every class, so I knew she was having trouble with the forms she had to do to get her blue belt. So I asked her if she wanted to get some extra help with the forms. We arranged to make that happen, and then one of her classmates who was going to help her got sick. So the extra practice sort of fell by the wayside.

Another one of those things I wish there was a handbook for is how to teach your kids to handle disappointment. I, like most, have had my fair share of disappointment in my life and frankly I know it sucks. All that lesson learned, better person BS aside. In the moment and for several moments after wards it sucks. In my head I know that Sunshine will have many disappointments in her life, heart breaks and goals that she reaches for and misses. In my heart, I want to protect her from every single one of those moments. I want to feel that sadness and disappointment and heart break for her.

So the last two weeks of our lives have been rather difficult. Now that we are on the other side of the belt test I can see how my trying to prep her for disappointment and telling her if she didn't get it this time, she would definitely get it next time. Her accusing me of "rubbing her face in" the fact that she might not get a blue belt (not quite sure she understands how to use 'rubbing in your face' properly yet.) And the two of us being so similar in our incredible ability to curl up inside ourselves when we are really stressed and trying to deal with or process something. You can see how things lined up for a perfect storm of difficult times in the house.

I can see how we are reaching a point in her life and our relationship where I need to let go a bit more, where I need to realize that my baby who is years older than being a baby is capable of doing so much without me. And that we are reaching the point where she is starting to decide when she needs me, or when she wants to need me, and I'm trying to learn the dance of not being too pushy and still having to parent her, and teach all the life lessons I want to.

We made it through these two weeks, and we'll make it through the next tense time too...

Drum roll please.. .. I held my breath for the 5 minutes they were handing out belts and stripes... and she did it.. she earned her blue belt. She is amazing.

2009

I had great plans on New Years Eve to go through each month and come up with my favorite memory or event from the month. I tried to do that, but it was really really hard. I can't say that 2009 was a great year, in many respects it had some very difficult times and yet there were some really great moments sprinkled in there to even things out. So all and all I'd say it was a flat year. But here are some of the good things I remember, these are in no particular order.

1. Sunshine made her first communion, confirmation and first reconciliation, nothing quite like a year with three sacraments.


2. I ran 500 miles.

3. I completed a half marathon under the goal I had set for myself.

4. I bought a new to me car- I loved my old car, I had her for almost 10 years. I am hoping that the next 10 with this car will be as great.

5. I put the cat I'd had for 13 years down. And a week later we got 2 kittens.


6. Sunshine went rock climbing for the first time- she was amazing at it.


7. Sunshine ran her first kids fun run at a race I was running.


8. I took a training class for Democratic Women in politics. I learned a lot.

9. I ran races in 4 states-46 to go.

10. I didn't blog enough, I thought about it a lot, I just never made the time.

11. We raised and released Ladybugs, a little creepy at first but cool none the less.



12. I reconnected with friends from High School and College on Facebook- surprisingly this has been a very enjoyable experience for me.

I stopped making resolutions years ago, I rarely met them, and it seemed like such a downer when I broke one, I'm working on a new list of general things I'd like to do this year, things I'd like to accomplish and experience with Sunshine (and by myself), I'm not quite there with the list, but in due time, I'll have my list and be on my way.

Here is hoping that 2010 has many more warm fuzzies than cold pricklies.

The 500 Miles of Me

I set a goal to run 500 miles in 2009. I’m not really sure why I chose this number, other than it was larger than my 2008 miles and seemed attainable but not easy. I do not remember every one of those 500 miles, many of them were logged on the same sections of road or trail over and over again. Here are a few things I remember about the miles and learned while on those miles.

1. Running while you have to pee is uncomfortable. Running while you have to do the other thing is downright painful. It is almost guaranteed that when either of those two urges arises you will be no where near a port a potty, gas station or area with trees where you can relieve yourself.

2. I spend most of my non-running time in my brain, over thinking any and everything. When I run I am often thinking, but not about running, for the most part my body does all the work and my brain processes other “stuff” I need to work through.

3. Although most of the time my body does all the running, my brain has at times made bargains with my body- just one more mile, you can do it, I promise this will be the last one today. And the opposite has happened where my body has said nice try brain, but we’re done it is time to go home now- and I’ve learned to listen to this too.

4. I don’t really like running on hills. I know they are good for you, and help increase your endurance and speed, but they suck. Often it is the only time I run with hate… hate the hills. Although I did run a hill that I was goaded into running by a running friend who is a much faster better trained runner than I am- he has yet to run the hill. Just saying.

5. Speaking of hills, I ran a 10k this year that is ‘marketed’ as the toughest in the state. I thought nah, can’t be that bad. At first you are in disbelief of the hills. Then you hate the hills with every ounce of your being. Then you can’t help but laugh because you have to wonder what God and geology where thinking when they made the landscape this way and then you’re done.

6. I ran races in 4 states this year. The one in CA was early early in the morning. And even that early it was hot and humid. So hot and humid that before the race even started I needed to put on a new wiking shirt. The one in CT was a cross country course- which I had not expected, run on a day after several inches of rain had fallen.

7. I don’t really like running with anyone- I enjoy running races and setting people to catch up to, but having someone run with me I feel obligated to talk or entertain or go faster. That being said, there were several races where friends who are much faster than me came to meet me and bring me down the home stretch, and I am very grateful for them.

8. I love the supportiveness of runners at races. You often see the same people who run the different events and you get to know the people who run at your pace. You push each other, sometimes you are faster, and sometimes they are faster. But you cross the finish line, you hug, say congrats and you move on.

9. Running at night is fun, and in the summer, often cooler and at least where I live, the roads are often quieter.

10. When a dog runs at you, stand perfectly still. And although I appreciate you telling me your dog is harmless, that doesn’t help the fact that my heart rate is now off the charts.

11. I know putting a race on is a lot of work and I appreciate all the effort that goes into the event and as I run, I thank the volunteers I pass. No matter how small the event participant list is, do not assume everyone running has run the route before, marking all the turns and changes in direction is a good thing.

12. There was only 1 race this year where I longed for water. So much so that at the first water stop I took 3 cups of water, stopped and drank them all. It was only a five miler.. but it was a hot July day with a late start of like 10, it was also the only race this year I stopped and walked up a hill. Heat has an amazing capacity to make running really really difficult.

13. Changing your sweat soaked shirt in a parking lot after a run and letting it all hang out is accepted and often expected.

14. A Guinness milk shake tastes pretty darn good.

15. While running on the dreadmill I have watched several tv series- Weeds Seasons 1-4. The whole run of Sports Night. And so far am through Seasons 1 and 2 of Arrested Development. I also watched several movies, although I can’t remember all of them. Incidentally, having watched with the subtitles on, the first time I heard the voices of the characters in Weeds I thought ‘this is wrong, they don’t sound like that’- at least not the voices I had made up for them.

16. The sports bra is a wonderful invention. More women should look into wearing them when running. It is very supportive until it reaches the end of its life, at which point it lets you know in no uncertain terms that it is done helping you out by inflicting vast amounts of great discomfort.

17. Before the start of the half marathon, I saw a shirt that said Half of Nothing. I have to agree… 13.1 is a lot of miles and I’m proud of every one of them.

18. Stretching is your friend, really.

19. Running after eating a meal is a bad thing. Running after eating chili is something you do only once and never never again.

20. I once almost threw up at the end of a race. I had pushed myself really hard (and not after eating chili) and my body was trying to tell me something. Interestingly, my friends were very supportive standing by to watch the event.. much like being unable to turn away from watching a car accident. That’s runners for you.

I haven’t quite decided what my running goals will be for 2010, although I am leaning more toward working on improving my times by more speed and hill workouts and probably not running more miles than I did this year. But only time and the miles will tell.

13.1

13.1. Thirteen point one. It doesn’t really seem like much when you say it. But when you say 13.1 miles it starts to mean something. 13.1 miles is the official distance of a half marathon. And I am proud to say that as of a couple of weekends ago I am officially a half marathoner. I ran them, all 13.1 miles.

About 2 years ago I started running after volunteering for a local 10k race that many of my friends participated in. After volunteering I set a goal of participating in that 10k the next year. I got a treadmill and started walking and then running. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could run for 1 mile without stopping- but I did it and I did run that 10k (6.2 miles) that year and was thrilled. Sometime early this year I set my sights on running a half marathon. I do not really know what prompted me to set that as a goal. But I did. As the time approached I got more anxious about the event and started to doubt my ability to run it, and also knew that out of sheer stubbornness I would show up and finish- even if it meant I had to walk part of it.

I’m sure I’ll get around to writing down the thoughts and events of the 13.1 miles, the thing however, that has been dancing around in my mind since the race is my reaction at the end. I was overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry. I had not expected that reaction. As I’ve thought about why I was so overwhelmed this is what I’ve come up with.

I was so very proud of myself. I set a goal and I met it. I did something that 3 years ago, heck, even 2 years ago I never would have even thought of doing. I pushed my body to carry me a lot of foot steps. I pushed myself mentally and physically past an invisible yet very real barrier that I’ve had most of my life.

See I’ve been fat my whole life. Truth be told, some of my most vivid memories are not of fun times, but rather of being made fun of, of worrying that because of my weight I couldn’t participate in an activity, or feeling like I was holding other people back because of my weight.

Honestly, one of my top 5 biggest fears and worries for my daughter is that she will end up fat like I was as a child. Children are cruel to people who are overweight. There are few among us who would ever allow our child to make fun of someone who was a different race, religion or sexual orientation or someone with a mental or physical disability. But fat people, fat people are the last acceptable group of people to be made fun of. And people don’t even realize they do it. There have been several people who after I have told them I am training to run this who have said- “You? You’re running?” “Or if you can do it anyone can.” I’m pretty sure they aren’t suggesting that if this red head can run a race then anyone can. Please do not get me wrong I have a loud and wonderful cheering section and have appreciated all of their wonderful energy.

I won’t get into the issue of struggling with your weight and all the people who say well if you just controlled yourself you’d be fine. I will simply say- show me the alcoholic or drug addict who can control themselves to have just one drink or 1 drug and not go any further, the big difference is of course, that in order to continue to live- food in some amount must be ingested every day.

When I began running I had a couple of fears- one was having a heart attack while running and two was being the last one to cross- the person everyone is waiting for, after all aren’t those two events exactly what would be expected of the fat person? To this date I have not been the last person to finish a race- I have been 2^nd to last but never last- perhaps out of sheer tenacity, but it is what it is.

So back to those 13.1 miles this weekend- I carried my still overweight, and much more in shape and healthy body 13.1 miles. I was faster than people who are physically smaller than me (and who did just as awesome as I did by showing up and finishing) and I did oodles better than the people who sat home on their couches.

So I’ve concluded that those tears at the end were tears of pride and joy and relief. Pride at my accomplishments both in the race and in life, joy at completing a goal and in a way setting myself free from all of the mean and horrible things people have said, expected of me and done to me over the years because of my weight.

Photo courtesy of MaineRunningPhotos

Working Mom

Recently I had the opportunity to travel for work. It was a great experience, I learned a lot- still processing all the information I learned. I 'hung' out with some coworkers that I don't normally get a chance to hang out with which is also nice.

Sunshine split her time between her Grandmother (my Mom) and her Dad, so my preparation for leaving involved packing for me, Sunshine and the dog who also stayed with my Mom.

Wednesday night I got a call from Sunshine and she was very upset, thing is I had already talked to her that night AND I missed her call back. When I did get the message she was already asleep. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do. Knowing I had talked to her only a few hours earlier and that she was sad and tired, I didn't want to wake her up, but it broke my heart.

I asked Sunshine's Dad to have her call me in the morning before she went to camp., thing is we were on a 3 hour time difference so I had to factor that in. and so it was a very early morning phone call for me.

From a professional standpoint the trip was worth EVERY minute of the time away... that just isn't something I can explain to my little one, that in the end the times I travel are good for us in that it gives me more knowledge and skills to continue to advance my career which in turn keeps a roof over our heads, food on the table and buys her the things she wants and needs. I don't know that an elementary school student needs to understand the concept fully... I just hope at some point she realizes that the trips I take for work are important and necessary and part of how our family works and that I survive anymore of those helpless moments that may come during my travels.

Kung Fu Sunshine

Another session of Tae Kwon Do, another stripe. Sunshine is doing such a great job. She loves going to class and I like that she enjoys it. I love how sometimes she smiles and sometimes she is so focused and serious.

Doing forms.

Kicks

Ax kick

Sparring

Look at her go



Look at her go


Here I come

Congrats