Death, Anger and the End of the World

Sunshine asked me about the end of the World the other day. She was pretty upset about what that meant. With all the 2012 talk and the Terminator Date and the billboards about the end of the world, I understand where she is coming from.

Heck, I've got a few more years on me than she does and I wonder about such things. I am at least at the point in my life where I am wise enough to realize that no matter how controlling I am.. controlling the end of the World is out of the range of controllable things for me.

I sat and talked with a friend who is very spiritual, and when I asked her what she thought about the end of the world, she turned the question on me. And I paused, and I said.

What I know is that people are angry. The anger is palpable most every place I go. People are angry at the government or their neighbor or that guy in front of them at the grocery store. And to me it seems like that much anger has to lead to something. End of the world? I don't know.. big change, probably.

I remember a time when the only emotion I was really good at feeling was anger. Every emotion translated into anger- fear, sadness, madness, even the positive emotions like love, happiness and contentment. Anger is easy, really in the grand scheme of things anger can be very powerful, you can hide behind it, put your head down and avoid contact, avoid rejection, avoid love.

I look around me, close to me, and I see these amazing, young souls passing on, so quickly with little or no warning. I wonder, do they know something I don't? Are they getting out while the getting is still good? Or is it just one of those times when there happens to be a lot of death around me?

What ever the reason, I don't care for it, I don't care for the death, the sadness, the unanswered questions, the anger that boils just below the surface.

What I do care for, and what I am trying to embrace, and hoping will spread just as quickly as the anger has, is the love I am being reminded to share, the closeness it is encouraging me to forge with people in my life, the new adventures I am taking because I am being reminded so often how precious life really is...

So spread the love, let the anger go, I mean really, if the world is going to end, wouldn't you rather be dancing naked through the streets than angrily fighting?

Purple!

Recently Sunshine earned her purple belt. I was of course a nervous wreck during the test, pretty sure I didn't breathe for about 30 minutes!


Sunshine ebbs and flows with her desire to continue with Tae Kwon Do, luckily she usually ebbs in the middle of a session, and my rule is she has to complete anything she is signed up for, but doesn't have to sign up again after that session if she doesn't want to. So by belt test she is usually ready to sign up for the next session, and earning her purple belt was a huge milestone.

I am so proud of her. And if you haven't heard, about a year ago, I started taking Tae Kwon Do too.. I am now a green belt with two blue stripes.. it has been A LOT of fun to do this together and look forward to the day we are both black belts!

Basketball

Inspired by my friend over at ikehamill.com, I thought I would try to be more consistent about writing here.

I'm not really sure how it happened, isn't that always how the stories start? Like that whole proctologist bit from Seinfeld- it was a one and a million chance doc..

It was a one and a million chance... I ended up coaching basketball.

See the thing with Sunshine is that she does really well in smaller group situations. I remember when we took her to her first soccer practice when she was in kindergarten.. you'd have thought we hung her by her finger nails over a pit of crocodiles. Just too many kids running around.

Last summer at camp she started to play basketball and really liked it, other than gymnastics when she was younger and Tae Kwon Do now, this was the first sport she had ever show more than a passing interest in, so when the rec league sign ups opened I signed her up.

The emails kept coming, we need coaches, we need coaches.. well, I thought.. go big or go home right? Just call me coach!

I'm glad I did it, it wasn't anywhere near as difficult as a visit to a proctologist might be, I learned a lot and she had blast. It was a lot of fun to watch the girls get better, to learn new skills and to see their smiles when they made a basket or stole a ball.



Unfortunately, I can't say working with all of the parents was quite so much fun.. I'm trying really hard to leave that behind but one of their behaviors in particular was so childlike that it makes me not want to go near basketball again.

Sadly, because of her, helping next year may be as difficult as it was the first time I had to kill a spider with out screaming... the things you do for your kids!!

Bottom line, she doesn't know me all that well, I don't give up that easily.. so see ya next year!

NINE

Today you turn 9. Nine! Nine does not even seem possible. That means you have been a part of my life for one quarter of it. And yet, it is hard for me to remember my adult life without you in it.

You are an amazing human being. You are so smart, I see your brain working all the time, and when you are really concentrating you stick your tongue out, maybe it gives you more surface area to do all that thinking.

You are very athletic, you pick sports up quickly and you are good at them. You get discouraged, but you are learning that if you practice at something you will get even better at it.

You are shy. Very shy when you are in new situations and you do much better when you are the first person in a room and others come to you. Again I see this changing and you are becoming more comfortable and confident in new situations.

You are becoming more adventurous, taking more calculated risks and trusting yourself more and I am thoroughly enjoying watching you take those risks and try new things- even food!

You have the most amazing heart. Your entire life, you have always been the person to go up to the new person in the classroom and introduce yourself and start playing with them. You have friends with disabilities and friends who are different in some way from your other friends. I’ve never asked you if you notice the differences, if I were to guess, I would say you don’t.

You have a great imagination, you act out whole scenes with your Polly Pockets or in your doll house, you tell stories and continue them for weeks and weeks, always picking back up exactly where you left off in the ‘game’.

You are stubborn just like me, and I hope I am helping you to learn how to channel that stubbornness into stick-to-itiveness so that you don’t struggle with it as much as I did.

There are times that I hold my breath and watch you make mistakes and learn lessons and each time I see you get hurt my heart aches because I want nothing more than to take that hurt away. And I know I can’t do that, that we all become who we are because of the trials, tribulations, successes and failures we encounter. My heart and mind still aren’t really on the same page with that one- but we’re working on it.

There are days when I feel like the world is caving in around me and I just want to sit down and cry, and then I come to pick you up, and still, you still at 9 come running to me and jump up into my arms and in that moment my world is righted and I find the strength and the courage to continue to fight the good fight. I promise to continue to catch you in my arms as long as you continue to run and jump into them- no matter how old either one of us is.

So today on your ninth birthday I wish you a wonderful day, a year filled with amazing new adventures and achievements and tell you that I look forward to sharing each and every one of them with you. I love you, Sunshine.

To Farm?

This week I had the opportunity to join Sunshine's class for a day while they spent the week at a local farm learning about all aspects of farming.

It was a great day for several reason. The least of which it was an amazing weather day.

For a long time I've thought it would be amazing to earn my livlihood through outdoor physical labor like working a on a farm. I have a friend who has a small farm and I sometimes help do a few chores around there, there is something cleansing about it for me.

Our first chore on the farm was to muck out the sheep stalls, there are some ewes who are very ready to have their lambs and needed a nice clean place to be with them once they are born. On a side note watching the ewes waddle to get their food I remember when I had that waddle when I was over due and just wanted to not be so uncomfortable anymore.



We then spent some time studying soils, working with compost and putting soil on the newly planted flower beds.


We got to plant potatoes, which I've never done but seeing how much I love potatoes, I think I'd like to plant some at my house, even if it was in a raise bed.

Sunshine's group was responsible all week for a set of laying chicks who were getting transported from their 'incubator' to a coop, so we got to move them and watch them get acclimated to all their new space.



It was one of those days I will remember forever... being outside, with Sunshine and working, coming home tired from the physical labor and the clean air and full of life and happiness and empty of all the cares in the world for at least a few minutes.

Who knows maybe someday, the right opportunity will come along and I'll be working on a farm, or maybe what makes it such a great fantasy is that that is what it is, a fantasy that doesn't ever need to be a full time reality, just one I can get my fix on every now and again.

Saturday...

A blog I read regularly: Playgroups are No Place for Children inspired me to do this. I think I'll do it again and be more prepared. My grandfather was a wonderful photographer, and I enjoy taking pictures and often get complements on them. On my list of things to save for is a higher end camera. In the mean time.. a day in my life (I am sorry I didn't have my camera at the ready when I was driving and saw a man on a motorcycle with a suitcase strapped to his back driving down the road)...

Too Young to be a Curmudgeon?

In the grand scheme of things I am really not that old yet. However, I increasingly find myself having the thoughts of a curmudgeon, I'm not sure this bodes well for me as I age.

I think that parents who drop their kids off at a venue and leave them unsupervised should be given shock bracelets. When the children do not use common courtesy by cutting in line, forgetting to say excuse me, or I'm sorry when they run into you, or thank you when you help them- the parents should receive a shock.

A child who is older than 4, I'd like to say 3, but I'm trying to be generous here, who doesn't know to cover their mouth when they cough, should not be allowed out in public. I'm all for giving one or two "whoops I forgot" a day, we all make mistakes- I still struggle to remember to do the vampire cough rather than just my hand, but when there is no attempt what so ever to not projectile germs out into all of society, please do not participate in society.

The third lane on a two lane road that has two arrows pointing toward each other- that is not a travel line for you to pass cars, this is a lane where you go to turn across traffic. Let's get traffic cams on these and give tickets for this too!

When crossing the street, please use crosswalks, you do not jump out into traffic, when I leave my house I am not ready to play Frogger, I was never good at that game, and frankly, do not care to learn.

The signs that say lane ending, merge right or merge left- that means you, the sign doesn't say gun it and see who you can beat, or everyone else is supposed to merge, but you.

See, I'm just too young to be so grumpy about such things.