Monday, October 20, 2008

Is There Something I'm Not Telling Myself?

Today in the mail I received my "personalized certificate" congratulating me on the birth of my child. Last week I received coupons for formula and diapers.

Yes, it is true I am a mother, I did have a child. Said child has not used formula or diapers in several years.

As far as I know I am not pregnant, I am not expecting a child, frankly one of the key ingredients to making a child (or at least if I remember correctly) is missing.

It stung today when I saw the envelope, congratulating me on the birth of my child. It is no different than when I go into the basement to run and I see the high chair, car seats, boxes of clothes, crib, toys etc sitting in the corner. These things are taking up space, there is so much I could do with that space. But yet, I don't, I keep them around because I'm not ready to say I'm done having children.

Maybe I am done and I'm just not accepting that fact, or maybe it is time to get rid of the baby stuff and make room for other stuff... if another baby comes along I can always get new stuff right?

By the way, I haven't registered anywhere for this mystery baby I'm getting formula and diapers for... so just send money...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Special Moments

It seems like such a small thing.. but Sunshine lost her first tooth this morning. Not her first tooth ever, just her first tooth with me.

Recently I was talking with a friend who is also divorced and we were discussing the milestones that we might miss.. the first date.. the start of their period. Little things, the things that we loose out on when our child(ren) splits their time between two houses.

It is completely selfish and I know that... but I will take such pleasure in being the tooth fairy tonight for the 5th baby tooth to have fallen out.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Young and Free

To dance like no one is watching...


This week Sunshine was moved up to the next Tae Kwon Do class. It was time and she and I had been talking about moving up, maybe going and watching a class or two so she could get a feel for it. It is the same instructors but the class moves much faster and is just a bit more intense. From a Mom's perspective I could see if she didn't move up she would start to stagnate, wouldn't learn as much. But at the same time, the class includes older kids with green and blue belts- so I understood why she was hesitant.

Anyway, she moved up this week and had a smile on her face the WHOLE time. I sat back and watched the grin and my heart sang. They ran laps and she smiled. They did drills and she smiled. And then they did sparring.

Since she doesn't have sparring equipment yet they had flags they had to pull from each other's belts.. but she smiled the whole time. The whole time! She did get to watch the other kids spar in their sparring gear so she could see what it was like.

After class I asked her, do you want to spar? And she said "Oh Yes!"

And so, I am buying my gorgeous little daughter sparring gear. Somehow I always thought it would be hockey gear and I'd want to jump off the bench and hurt anyone who touched my little baby.. but no, we're skipping that and going right to hand to hand combat.

She loves it and I see her smile and so I can wrap my brain around it... but my heart... is conflicted... it sings at watching her enjoy it and skips a beat when I realize what she is doing.

I suppose just another one of those challenges we face as parents... the letting go and the holding on and finding that balance. But if you read about a woman from the stands at some Tae Kwon Do match taking out a kid.. send bail money... it is probably just me!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Fall

Fall is one of my favorite times of year. There is something about the change of the season, the gorgeous colors on the trees and on the ground. I love waking up and needing to put on warm fuzzy socks and my fleece. Even though many people think of Spring as the time of rebirth- fall, for me, is that door closing, leading to a new opening.

I wish at these moments that I had a deck and could sit and watch the water and have a cup of tea. But I am lucky enough to live close enough to the water that I can go and enjoy the water and the beauty of fall.

Even as the fall arrives- this gorgeous flower is still alive and thriving.

This gorgeous tree in all different stages of autumn.
I love sunsets and sunrises... so beautiful.