I wrote earlier in 2013 about what an epic year I was having. I looked up the definition of epic. I think we all tend to use it is as a term to mean over the top amazing, but I think this definition fits my 2013 best 'of unusually great size or extent'. 2013 for me contained some of the highest highs and lowest lows I have had in quite some time.
What I started to realize as the winter began to arrive here, and I looked back on 2013, a year that has had me experience wide canyons of self doubt that I thought I would never get across, a year where I accomplished things that seemed insurmountable, what I realized is- I do not trust my ability to endure.
I don't know if this is new, or if I am just now becoming aware of this lack of trust in myself. I, like most everyone, have experienced difficult times in my life, that I had to get through, and somehow I have figured out a way. Perhaps those times were like child birth and you really don't remember how you struggled through it or how painful it was, just that you got to the other side- better for the journey.
I'm not sure if it is my innate nature to want to fix things, that causes this, although I wouldn't be surprised if it lies in there somewhere.
Let me explain, people tell me how inspirational I am that I run this or that. But I don't see it that way- I see it as a number- be it time, or miles. Okay- I need to keep moving for 2 1/2 hours to finish this half marathon. Or I need to run on average 3 miles a day to get to 100 miles this month. Somehow I can wrap my brain around that. And even non-physical tasks- you need to complete this TPS report by Monday morning-- great, it has a deadline, and I can give up a weekend and do that.
But when I don't have any idea how long something is going to last, or if it will ever end, I get very antsy and tense about it, and don't trust I can make it through. Be it, a really difficult time at work, or watching a friend in trouble who I can't figure out how to help or not knowing what the outcome will be. Or that I can just be, alone and lonely and not know if or when that will ever change.
I ran a little over 800 miles this year. That's 300 more than I ran last year. I was telling a friend that the other day and I said, that number isn't just because, and they said, its because you were running from or to something. I said, not quite, I think I was running to try to figure out how to fix all the things I couldn't figure out how to endure.
I guess being aware of my lack of trust in myself is the first step, and running a nice crutch. Seems odd though at 42 to have such a huge piece of myself that I don't trust.