So Proud

Today Sunshine had her belt test and she earned her Green Belt. She has been working hard and we have been practicing the forms at home.

Words can not express how proud I am of her today- she said she didn't care if she got another stripe or her belt. But she worked hard and she earned it.

One of the best parts for me was at the end when they bow to the teachers and then turn and bow to the parents when they are released she ran full steam at me and jumps into my arms. This is something that she has done since she could walk at day care at the end of the day at camp or what have you. There is no better feeling in the world than that moment when she jumps in my arms and holds on tight.

Human Doing

Someone once said to me that I am a really good human doing and not such a human being. I recently threw that line at someone else... I hadn't thought about it awhile... but it is true... if I have to just sit I can almost feel like a cage animal.

Today the thought of this took up significant noodeling power in my brain.

Am I that way out of necessity?
Is there really so much to do and so little time?
Do I keep busy so that I don't have to confront something?
Is it just who I am?

I don't know the answer, I suspect it is a combination of all 4 of those things to some extent.

There are days like today where I am so tired I could honestly sit on the floor and sob. I look at the pile of laundry that needs to be folded and the dishes that need to be done and the sneakers that sit on the floor looking at me reminding me I did not run this morning or the day before. A child who should be sleeping instead is calling my name every 15 seconds or so telling me that the animals are flying around the room. The same child who was just laughing so hard at a joke she told that you couldn't help but laugh along (which is probably why I am not sitting on the floor sobbing at this very moment). In my mind I know I have bills to pay and a checkbook to balance and the liter box to scoop and.... the list goes on.

Always something to do.... so you can see why I struggle with just being. Heck, I spend a lot of my time just trying to remember to breathe!

My Golden City

When I was a little girl my parents owned a business that they ran out of a large old building. The history of the building was fascinating- in middle school I did a report on it- it had been a speak easy during prohibition, a theater before "talkies" and even after, an ice house where the ice from the river was stored for people to buy to keep their food cold. It was a beautiful old building. With lots of stories to tell.

Behind the building was a huge yard- it wasn't used on a regular basis for anything in particular.- but there was a huge spot light to light the building up since it abutted some railroad tracks. But in the winter time I used the yard all the time.

Just after a snow fall when everything is white and peaceful, there is that amazing silence and beauty that comes with a new fallen snow. I would walk over to the building and look at the yard, with the spot light the new snow shown almost golden. It was here that I spent hours playing, imagining I lived in a city of gold.

During the snow storm last weekend I was reminded of those moments as I shoveled and watched Sunshine build a city out of the snow piles created by the snow plow. Each pile was a different house in the city and served a different purpose, different people visited and she made a bench for me to come and sit on to talk to her.

I hope that when she is my age that her memories of her city are as fond as my memories of my golden city.

The Hamster

I was sitting on the couch working and heard a noise.. I look over and this is what I see:

Who I Am

I was accepted into a training program recently. I was hesitant to even apply for it because I thought when would I actually have the time to take the classes and do homework and that kind of thing?

But I did and last weekend I attended the first class. It was a wonderful experience meeting a couple dozen professional, intelligent, funny, successful women.

The first class was on communication and as you might expect we had to introduce ourselves. I have been thinking about my introduction of myself since then.

It was not my intention but when I introduced myself I focused on the fact that I am a Mom, a single Mom at that, and I left out all the other stuff I am.

I think because 100% of the time I am a Mom I loose sight of the other things I am. Maybe not loose sight, but maybe forget about the other things. There is always a percentage of my brain devoted to Sunshine, what is she doing? What do I need to do for her? What will she wear tomorrow? What about lunch? Do I have food for her lunch box? Did we remember her library book? Are we out of chocolate milk? Did she have homework?

I think sometimes I hide behind the fact that I am a Mom. It is easy to do, think of all the times you show up some place with your kid(s) and everyone has said hello to Sunshine and then Oh, Hi Mom. I'm not saying this is a bad thing in anyway. It is what it is and I love being a Mom- best and most difficult job I've ever had.

What I need to remind myself and remember is that I am a smart, professional woman who manages people, projects and products well. A volunteer for my community in several different way. A friend, a confidant, a pet owner, a runner and a whole bunch of other things, who happens to also be a Mom.

Science Museum

We were given tickets to take the train to Boston, a bit of a luxury. But a lot of fun.


We arrived in Boston and hopped on the T to the Science Museum.

I have little more to say than WOW. We could have spent a whole day if not more there.


All about the human body, so very cool. Kind of glad she wasn't interested in the section on how babies come from cells. :-)



This was a cool place of mythical creatures, we couldn't take pictures inside, lots of old artifacts. Beautiful Chinese dragons and mermaids and griffins. Wonderful.




We got tickets to the butterfly garden and really they were this close. Sunshine was a bit freaked that they landed on you so we didn't get to stay very long.



The map geek in me loves this picture.



Happy holidays T-Rex



This was an area on senses- taste, touch, see, hear, smell and this is a time delayed photo of us.



Am I just a dance of molecules?


This amazingly large light bright, lots of fun, I made the heart!

We also had a chance to take in a show at the planetarium on "What Happened to Pluto?" which reminded me that we need to visit our local planetarium more.

As we were leaving, good night T-Rex.

I want to try and make this an annual visit, this was so much fun.

300 Miles

During 2008 I ran 300 miles. My first full year of running and I ran 300 miles!

As I think about 2008, to get a little philosophical here, the 300 miles seems like a really good symbol of 2008 for me, it represents so many things.

I started running after volunteering for a race that several of my friends were running in. I had started biking regularly during the divorce- it served one purpose and one purpose only- to fill my time. It had other side benefits like accomplishing something I never thought I would do (biking 180 miles in 3 days), physical fitness and a new activity for Sunshine and me to do together.

But I never really enjoyed biking it felt much more like a chore, I had made a commitment to ride and I knew mentally I needed to do something like that to get through the divorce.

Running on the other hand has somehow become part of me. It is, at times, a compulsion. Other times a drive or a need. It helps me to process my thoughts, to work through issues and to just spend some quality time by myself.

Beyond that, it is hard. It is about me and no one else, me getting up and going outside or into the basement. Me climbing that hill, me pushing through the pain of not enough oxygen, me picking that person in front of me in the race and saying, you know what I can pass her/him. It is also about conquering fears and taking risks. And ultimately about better health and fitness.

I remember standing at the start of my first race in December 2007. I was scared. Could I finish? Will I be the last person to cross the finish line? I walked probably half of the 5k and I did finish and I wasn't the last person to cross the finish line.

Running is a symbol of my life in 2008 in many ways. I have taken more risks. I have had difficult conversations with people at work and in my life. I have stood up for myself and I have said "no", even when I thought that me saying "no" could adversely affect my relationship with that person (friend, coworker, romantic interest). I have traveled with people I didn't know and had a great time. I have held myself accountable for mistakes I've made, but also become much better at forgiving myself for these mistakes. I have played more and in general taken better care of myself.

As I think back over the last 300 miles and 365 days there have been high moments and low moments, frankly some low moments that lasted for weeks. But in the end, I pushed through and made it up the hill, caught the person in front of me and crossed the finish line.

And I am thankful for all those experiences- good, bad or ugly. I look forward to the highs and lows that 2009 will bring, to the 500 miles I will run and to all the new experiences that await me.

May 2009 be filled with all that you hope for, need and want.