Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Elephant in the Corner

Isn't there always one? Some big thing that everyone sees, but no one really wants to openly acknowledge?

I've spent a lot of years of my life being afraid. Most people don't realize that about me, because I have the outward facing powerful force to be reckoned with, but on the inside, those who I let in, get to know that I'm really pretty timid, sensitive and easily bruised.

I can't really tell you what the breaking point was, but sometime 2 or 3 weeks ago, I started openly acknowledging to other people the big elephants I saw. At work, I brought up personnel issues with appropriate managers. I had tough conversations with people about their expectations of me, and my expectations of them. I called people on the carpet about their statements and asked for details and more info.

But more important to me I had tough conversations with people in my "real life". I had a conversation with Sunshine's Dad about how we parent differently and how we need to be more on the same page for Sunshine's sake. I didn't back down, I didn't make excuses I just made my point and listened.

Today, today I did something that I am really proud of, I told someone how I felt about them, that I had romantic feelings for them. I knew going into the conversation that his feelings weren't going to match mine, but I needed to uncover that big elephant that followed us around. It was scary, very scary, but I did it, I survived, it hurt and we're okay, I think if anything our friendship will be stronger for the conversation. I think my proudest moment was when he indicated that he hasn't meant to give me the wrong impression and I said, well of course you did, you knew what you were doing, it was making another part of your life easier.

Feels good to start to really be on the inside what I have pretended to be on the outside for a very long time, still sensitive, and easily bruised, but not so timid and afraid anymore.

1 comment:

Stella and Thomas said...

OMG!!!! It is 10:39 right now and I do not know if it is too late to call. But WE NEED TO TALK!!

I am so proud of you!