Friday, January 25, 2008

The Lamp

I tell this story.. its a true story... about a lamp... and it goes something like this:

Sometime during the divorce, one of the not so pleasant times I decided a good thing to do would be to wire my entire house with ethernet cable. I had a couple friends help me and I learned a lot about the process. After the cabling was all done, I had to put the face plates on and I hadn't purchased enough the first time. So a week or 2 after the actual work had been done, I pulled my office apart, my desk away from the wall and sat on the floor and started putting the face plates on, it was late probably around 11 pm or so and Sunshine was asleep in her room.

I was getting frustrated by part of the process, I couldn't get the right angle with the screw driver or something and I was loosing my patience and I moved and the lamp from the top of my desk fell on my head.

To put this in perspective, the lamp sits about 4 1/2 feet above the ground, is marble with a metal base and it was my Grandmother's so it has to be 25 plus years old.. its sturdy and big and heavy.

Needless to say I was in an enormous amount of pain but couldn't really yell out or I would wake up Sunshine, so I covered my mouth and sat and cried.. no I sobbed, and what I realized was that I wasn't sobbing because of the lamp.. I was sobbing because of everything else. It was also at that moment that I realized.. you know.. slow down.. every thing has been trying to tell you to slow down, but it takes a blow to the head for you to actually listen.

Since that moment I've been trying to be better about noticing the subtle signs and not waiting for the lamp to come flying at my head, I'm getting better, but I've got room for improvement.

So, as long and difficult as this week as been, as I lay down in Sunshine's bed to read to her and lay with her while she fell asleep, I was on the edge of sadness and tears from being so overwhelmed and I let a tear slip out.. and she saw it and she said what's that, and I said a tear, and she said "I Love You".. and well more tears came and this time I couldn't control them.. and she said.. You're My Best Mom, and I said, I'm your only Mom and smiled and she said, no... You're the best Mom in the whole world and I said thank you I love you very much too followed by a huge hug.

And really, when it comes right down to it, in the chaos and insanity of this week, I've made some really tough decisions, put my heart out there, been honest with myself and with others, and taken a couple giant leaps of faith, and I'm proud of it all... but most of all.. I am loved and I am the best Mom in the whole world (along with lots more of you)... it was a kinder and gentler sign this time- or I am now paying better attention.

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